Everyone has a different opinion about what “bad” behavior is. If it’s so hard to define, how can we speak of it to children?
Parents and childcare providers may talk to kids about bad behavior all the time. Unfortunately, these conversations often sound like, “Stop whining!” or “Why did you hit your sister?” These statements rarely lead to change, and often make the behavior worse!
POINTS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN SPEAKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOR
Throughout my training as a licensed special education teacher and childcare provider, I have knowledge of many strategies that work best when talking to children about their behavior.
1. Calm is Key.
Your own internal alarm may be blaring, telling you that your child’s behavior needs to be addressed IMMEDIATELY! Instead, take a few deep breaths. Allow your brain to return to a calm state before you move forward.
2. Connect First.
It’s easy to rush to the consequence or give a punishment when “bad” behavior surfaces. Instead, give the child an opportunity to reconnect with you before you talk about the behavior – hugs, crying together, being silly, or simply being silent together.
3. Banish Shame.
Many kids feel horrible about their actions. Some kids feel so ashamed that it leads to even more “bad” behavior. Let the child know that they are accepted even in these tense moments, “I can see that you are upset. I’m here for you. I love you.”
4. Look Beyond the Behavior.
Encourage problem-solving by helping the child identify the thoughts and feelings that lead to the “bad” behavior. With time, children learn that they have options besides hitting or hurting others, even when big feelings surface.
The earlier you begin conversations like this with children, the better !
Even young children can begin to identify their emotions and learn new ways to manage tricky situations. When you see “bad” behavior as a cry for help, you are in a position to support the child, regardless of their age.
For very young children, social songs that include appropriate social skills manners can give kids alternatives to these behaviors and learn how to cope with their feelings. As the child grows, focus more on the feelings behind the actions (anger, anxiety, jealousy, sadness, etc.).
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